Wednesday, June 13, 2012

my future crazy ol lady

I was just sitting here thinking about how I will look as an old lady. Some people may look at me & think I'm crazy for my tats, and what I've done with my life. What I really want people to know is that I have learned a lot with the life I've lived, I've had more fun and gotten into more laughter than I could ever mention here on the internet

My Mom had ALS and it took her from us in 2005. She had her voice stolen from her by the disease & it eventually paralyzed her before she passed on. I use to look at her being trapped on that bed feeling like life was so unfair for her, like a Greek Tragedy, because she had way too much sadness in her life throughout her life that not everyone knows about.

I would rub her hands the last days of her life, trying to memorize every line, how beautiful her long nails were, and the gentle feel of her skin. Even now I can almost feel I rubbed her hands I thought about how much she missed out on and how much she was going to miss out on all because this disease was going to kill her and take her from us......

I know that I can't stop life from having that happen to me, but what I can do is have memories to keep me company when no one else wants to, thoughts of happier times when time is dragging on because I can't move....songs made up to make people laugh to make them say to me "hey, remember when you could talk & you would make up those songs?" and I wouldn't be able to look at a part of my body and fondly remember those tats then.....all of that I wouldn't have if I didn't do these 'crazy' things.

I don't know if my Mom would have ever said "she had fun" before she died. Sometimes I remember back & know that I was a source of sadness and tears for her and regret that every moment of my life.....after I'm gone I want my children to think of me as having fun, that I taught them things about living, loving, and life, and that I made life fun for them, that I gave them more laughter than tears and more adventures than even the most experienced traveler ever dreamed of. I want my children to remember the days of dancing in the rain, cooking biscuits that were hard as rocks, seeing me work all those jobs so they could have things, laughing at memories of my mispronouncing words like "hyperbole".....I may have been hard at times, and was all about tough love (with the emphasis on love), but they knew where I stood & knew that I love them. Is that too much to ask?

If there comes a time that I'm no longer here on earth.....I want you all to know one thing..........

I've had fun. Thanks for playing in this with me.

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