I was just sitting here thinking about how I will look as an old lady. Some people may look at me & think I'm crazy for my tats, and what I've done with my life. What I really want people to know is that I have learned a lot with the life I've lived, I've had more fun and gotten into more laughter than I could ever mention here on the internet
My Mom had ALS and it took her from us in 2005. She had her voice
stolen from her by the disease & it eventually paralyzed her before
she passed on. I use to look at her being trapped on that bed feeling
like life was so unfair for her, like a Greek Tragedy, because she had
way too much sadness in her life throughout her life that not everyone
I would rub her hands the last days of her life,
trying to memorize every line, how beautiful her long nails were, and
the gentle feel of her skin. Even now I can almost feel it....as I
rubbed her hands I thought about how much she missed out on and how much
she was going to miss out on all because this disease was going to kill
her and take her from us......
I know that I can't stop life
from having that happen to me, but what I can do is have memories to
keep me company when no one else wants to, thoughts of happier times
when time is dragging on because I can't move....songs made up to make
people laugh to make them say to me "hey, remember when you could talk
& you would make up those songs?" and I wouldn't be able to look at a
part of my body and fondly remember those tats then.....all of that I
wouldn't have if I didn't do these 'crazy' things.
I don't know
if my Mom would have ever said "she had fun" before she died. Sometimes
I remember back & know that I was a source of sadness and tears for
her and regret that every moment of my life.....after I'm gone I want
my children to think of me as having fun, that I taught them things
about living, loving, and life, and that I made life fun for them, that I
gave them more laughter than tears and more adventures than even the
most experienced traveler ever dreamed of. I want my children to
remember the days of dancing in the rain, cooking biscuits that were
hard as rocks, seeing me work all those jobs so they could have things,
laughing at memories of my mispronouncing words like "hyperbole".....I
may have been hard at times, and was all about tough love (with the
emphasis on love), but they knew where I stood & knew that I love
them. Is that too much to ask?
If there comes a time that I'm no longer here on earth.....I want you all to know one thing..........
I've had fun. Thanks for playing in this with me.